We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
