i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
