Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
