I cannot find my penis.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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