upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
