I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
