Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize