I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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