I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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