I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
