Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
