Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
