Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
