So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
bring money and cleavage
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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