Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
