I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
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no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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