i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
