i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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