those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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