Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
