he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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