To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
