I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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