onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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