I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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