In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
is that a dick in a sweater?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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