it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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