i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
