I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
