Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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