im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
