Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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