You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
