Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
