Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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