I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
