i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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