I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
