I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
