So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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