why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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