Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
