Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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