What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
