Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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