I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
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