I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
