Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
