Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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