we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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