I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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