My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
