I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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