my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
