you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I intend to get homeless drunk
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
