very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
