NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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