So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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